The Train

On Saturday night I had possibly the most un-rock and roll Saturday night. Of. My. Life.
It was the Indian Pacific's fault.
The night of horrors started just after we pulled out of Sydney's Central Station, and the loud speakers crackled to life. They spawned a soundtrack of terror- voiced by BOTH Slim Dusty and Bud Tingwell. Obviously designed to appeal to folks like my dear grandfather, who sit there in their Gold Kangaroo class sleepers reminiscing about the war. I think people like that probably like Slim Dusty and Bud Tingwell. Ol Bud is supposed to be a much loved actor, by the way. I wouldn't know, I haven't seen him in anything. Didn't he die recently?
Anyway, Slim has written a whole song about the Indian Pacific. I know all the words now! I think I will have to have a conversation about that with my counsellor, I feel I've been scarred for life.
After we crossed the Blue Mountains (at walking pace, goddamm, or indeed walker pace) the real fun started. The foetal position, Will This Ever End, Oh My God, sciatica inducing horrible pain of the Day/Night Sleeper. While the gin-soaked sots in their sleeper carriages stretched their legs and massaged themselves with moisturiser from their free Indian Pacific toilet bags, I tried to sleep. It was OK until the bastard next to me started snoring.
I started to fantasise about clobbering him on the head with one of my thongs. Thinking about it like I was some sort of creepy stalking serial killer, debating with my creepier instincts. Then my id got the better of my good manners.
"Oi!" I said. "Mate", I said. "YOU SNORE REALLY LOUDLY IN THAT POSITION!" I snapped. "I just thought I'd tell you" I continued feebly. "Sorry" he said "I don't usually sleep like this". No you don't... because it is totally inhuman and horrible!
One of my friends used to work on the trains, and she said the train people partied really hard, all night every night. Now I know why... they can't bloody sleep!
The first night in my own bed, I slept for eleven and a half hours. That was more like it.
Next time, It's Gold Kangaroo gin sottism all the way! Or, I'll fly in an aeroplane like sensible people!