Fifi's Rules for Healthy Eating:

1. Eat meat and fish. Lots of meat. All day. Or you'll die. Ideally, have bacon and eggs for breakfast, sashimi for lunch and steak wrapped in bacon for dinner. Quail is a good plan for entrée, and duck is the best food of all time.
2. Chocolate is good. Forms of chocolate which combine truffle, white chocolate and some form of liqueur, are the most nutritious.
3. Red wine is good. Make sure you get rat-arsed at least once a day.
4. Cream is good. Preferably the double creamy King Island sort.
5. Fruit is best eaten in the form of lychee cocktails, banana milkshakes, apple sauce and raspberries served on ice-cream.
6. Offal is an underrated food. We should all eat more offal, especially in the form of duck liver and port pate. Liverwurst is the best thing ever.
7. No food is truly healthy unless it contains alcohol. Try putting red wine into spag boll, port into sauces and white wine into stir fries. Any form of food will taste better if alcohol is added to it.
8. Margarine is bullshit. Eat butter. There's no strange chemicals, and it tastes better. Eat more ghee.
9. Incorporate mushrooms into every meal. Every. Meal.
10. Eat more goulash.
11. If food smells off, don't throw it away. What about those starving children in Africa? Curry it instead. No-one will notice.
12. Fish is good. Raw fish is better. Especially salmon.
13. Any meal will taste better with oysters.
14. Lots of food tastes better with a teaspoon of sugar, just like Mary Poppins suggested. Try this with carrots, goulash and thai curries.
15. Make your own stock. It will taste better.
16. Try eating hippies. You will get lots of nutrients from textured soy protein, wheat germ (yuk) and other things you would never want to eat yourself.
17. Steak is rarely as healthy as when it's charred on the BBQ and gooey red inside.
18. Meat is healthier and tastes better extremely rare. If it moos, wear ear plugs.
19. Add marijuana to your baking. Think of it as a useful food additive. Your guests will be more relaxed and laugh at all your jokes. This is very healthy.
20. Avoid all pretendy meat products like 'vegetarian sausages' and 'vegie patties'. They are made from a combination of lentils, ethanol and used rubber thongs. They are not at all healthy.
21. Cream, alcohol, bacon, rib eye steak, butter, mushrooms, Worcestershire sauce and garlic are the ideal foods. Steak Diane, therefore, is the ideal meal.
22. The two fat ladies are GURUS. Game meats rock.
23. Make sure you have a glass of champagne every day.